2007 Confessions: #3--How about a little bit about me?
My old journals really ought to be burned. I kinda feel sick in the pit of my stomach when I read through most of the stuff I wrote in the angst of my youth. A lot of it is just lists of stuff I've done--like an old itinerary: "On Monday I went to school and then did my homework. On Tuesday...." Anyway, this month's confession is an old journal entry, which I found to be a bit amusing and not too completely embarrassing. Here you go!
April 7, 1996
How about a little bit about me? I haven't written my ideas about things since I was a foolish 12-year-old who wanted to go to Oxford and find a man to come and save her. Needless to say, A LOT has changed.
How do I feel right now? I feel good. I feel harmony inside, and I want to sing and dance. I feel free, like a child. I feel loved.
What do I think? I have strong opinions about all things I have an opinion on. Often I think too much. I tend to be logical and analytical. Those things are good if balanced with spontaneity and passion. I am becoming more spontaneous and I am gaining passion. I think my life is going well, and I think I can do anything I set my mind on.
What are my values? I value integrity above almost anything. I value music--the expression of the soul. I value knowledge and wisdom. I value the individual. I value children. I value myself, my ideas, my beliefs, and others as well. I value beauty. I value nature.
How would I describe myself to myself? Well let's see...Allison is a beautiful person. She has so much greatness in her, and she'd flip out if she knew how much she really can do. It's my prayer that she will never sell herself short. Allison is prettier than she believes herself to be, and not as bold as she acts. She loves people--all people--and especially children. She has more friends than she thinks, and many people look up to her. Allison is an achiever, which is good and bad. She works hard and does well, she gets things done, and will make something of her life, but she never feels enough and has a self-condemning sense of competition and comparison.
How do I see myself in the future? I see myself happy and successful. I see myself married (not for a long time though) and I see myself with my own children. I see myself with an MD and helping others. I see myself with many friends, and I see a life of power, service, and love.
What kind of work do I like? I can do any kind of work and find a way to do it and like it. My favorite work so far has been where I can be in touch with nature or children. I've loved working for Margee. I like working in the yard and working in the sunshine. I also like work that teaches me something.
What kind of leisure do I like? I can do about anything for fun too. I like to read and write. I like to hike and be outdoors. I like to talk, play, or have an adventure. I can make anything fun.
When do I feel most myself? I feel most myself when I am liking with integrity, because it is when I'm living with integrity that I cannot not be the real me. I can be myself in any situation and with anybody if I have integrity. It is hardest when I'm trying to impress people and I don't think they'll like who I am.
How have I changed since I entered puberty? I have become less anxious to grow up and more envious of childhood. I have become more sure of myself and I have discovered my own power.
What kinds of people do I respect? I respect people who live with integrity. I respect people who want to stand up for what they believe in and are not afraid to be who they are. I respect people who are whole and independent, people who don't need anybody else. I respect people who are confident, but human.
How am I similar to and different from my mother? I think my mom and I FEEL the same. My mom is my best friend, and I could tell her anything--and I do. We both like lots of the same things. I'm more bold than she is. She is tender, and is willing to give and give and give. I see those qualities in myself, but not as strongly as in her.
How am I similar to and different from my father? I THINK more like my dad. I am logical and analytical like him. We both believe in and follow our passions, and we are both achievers. We both have that strong intimidating front that we put up, and we both are soft inside. We are not afraid to question, and we both love learning. I don't know as much as he does, and he's wiser in the ways of the world than I am. No one messes with dad. He has so many friends--neat friends--everybody likes him. I want to be like that too.
What goals do I have for myself as a person? I want to go to college. I want to get an MD in medicine. I want to help the children. I want to leave Utah and be on my own for a while. I want to be well-rounded, open-minded, and complete on my own. I want to have courage and integrity. I want to give 100% every day of my life and die knowing I did my best, and I made a difference.
What are my strengths and weaknesses? I am committed and dependable. I am open-minded and am a good listener. I understand people and am patient. I learn quickly and have a good memory. I am honest and have integrity. I go 100% or I don't go. I am stubborn and want to win or be right. I am arrogant at times, and can be insensitive. I base my worth on my achievements and get depressed when I don't measure up. I sometimes don't think before I speak.
What would I be proud of on my deathbed? I think of death as being far in the future. If I were to die now, I would be proud of the good I've done. I'd be proud of the lives I'd touched and I'd be proud of the way I've turned out so far. I'd be proud of my courage and dedication. I'd be proud of my acomplishments. I'd be proud to see who's lives I'd unknowingly touched. I'd die knowing I gave 100% of what I had, and that I had made a difference.
That's a little bit about me.
There you have it. Allie at 16 years of age, and I totally had it figured out, no?
posted by Allie at 7:22 PM
6 Comments:
So that's the first time I've heard the phrase "flip out" in a LONG time! But overall I think it's awesome that you were able to write about yourself like this and focus on all of your good qualities. It seems to me like you analyzed yourself well, and the goals you had at 16 you're either working to achieve, or you have achieved them. That must be a really good feeling!
Wow Allie! You really have lived up to all the goals you wanted to reach. Congratulations! That has to be cool to look back on.
It's amazing that you had it so together and have known what path you want to follow since you were 16. I admire people who know what they want and then set goals to achieve it. You will make a fine doctor because you already are an amazing woman. - Nolana
Allie, this was great to read! I think it definitely says SO MUCH about your character. It's hard to be so open with yourself. You were able to take a good hard look at yourself, when a lot of us don't want to see who we are. We're either too ashamed, too depressed or just not motivated enough. Your dreams and your goals are beautiful, and I hope you know how wonderful you are. I always looked up to you and tried to have the same kind of integrity that you do. You say you're going to do something and you DO IT. There's no question it's going to get done. You're a grown up along with being just a really good person.
I love you!!
I have only just seen this blog today. I attended the Landmark Forum Seminar last week-end and heard several young people speak about themselves and their lives. It is great to hear someone as a teenager talk about her teenage years so positively and with such hope for the future. I keep thinking and saying this, too, that you have always had wisdom beyond your years and it shows in this journal entry. Like ssfb, I would like to know if you were posing these questions to yourself or following an outline. If it is the latter, from where or whom did it come?
I really love you and am so proud of what you are doing with your life. I know you are a safe haven for your brothers and sisters to confide to you how they really feel about things. I think this is because of your acceptance of people and your understanding of human nature. Thanks for sharing this "confession."
I definitely remember following an outline of questions for that journal entry, and I don't remember for sure, but I think I got it from young women's?
I certainly wouldn't have come up with the puberty question on my own. (And, SSFB, my sister Danae will tell you that I didn't just write that I got boobs because I never got any--it's all miracle bra, right Danae?)
Thanks for all of your nice comments, by the way. They actually took me by surprise. I was feeling very embarrassed about this entry after I posted it--I thought everyone would think I was a lame teenager. Funny, eh?
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