Primary Relationships
At the end of the school year this year, I was plagued with dreams about a "guy in my class" who wanted to know how I really felt about him. Wasn't I in love with him? Wasn't I committed to him? I think that these dreams were really about medical school itself, and how at times, it has to become my primarly relationship. It takes all of my time and attention--more than my husband, more than my friends, more than my family--I have to be whole-heartedly committed, even if it is just when I'm close to block exams or board exams, to my education.
These are tough times for me. I know that when I'm totally focused on school, I neglect everyone and everything else in my life. My husband has to take on all of the house work, and has to buy all of the grocries and make all of the meals and pay all of the bills, etc. It's all I can do to make sure he knows that I appreciate the fact that he takes over my half when I have to be committed to something else for a while, and also make sure he knows that it is a TEMPORARY thing. He won't have to take it all on forever, just for another two weeks, or whatever the time frame may be. I'd like to think that he knows that I would do the same for him if he was sick or busy with a project for work or school.
Often, while I've been studying (at home) I'll take my wedding rings off, because they bug me when I'm typing, and I forget to put them back on. I must admit, that the symbolism does somehow match reality a bit--I don't feel married, during these times. Not because Steve isn't here for me--going above and beyond to make sure things are taken care of--but because I'm not here--I'm not contributing, I'm not sharing the burden, I'm not working on the relationship. It's a scary feeling sometimes. I think that's why in the dreams, it's another man who wants to know if I'm committed to him--it's like I'm married to two things at once, and although most of the time I can balance my time between my relationship and my education, sometimes one needs more of me and the other is left lacking.
I am very thankful, that at these times, when I have nothing to contribute, that you all understand. That you forgive me for not being there. I know that it's not just Steve that has to deal with my absence during these times. My relationships with all of you suffer. I'm just glad you leave a light on and a key out because you know that I'll be back.
I am really really nervous about my exam coming up on Monday. This is the last great obstacle, and it is the biggest obstacle of all. I know I'll be fine--I've worked my entire life to get past this point--but I want you to know how much all of your love and support has meant to me along the way, and especially now. Thank you.
posted by Allie at 11:27 AM
6 Comments:
"The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this?"
- Henry David Thoreau
Across the distance and time, it's good to know that there are some friends who are just a part of you - even in the space between.
Knock 'em dead, Babe. I have no doubt about it.
Allie! You will ACE your test, I just know it! I hope you never feel like you need to explain to us why you're not spending more time with us, or calling more... we all understand and love and support you. This is your dream. Go get it.
I know that you love me and that you will be there for me whenever you can and it is my way of supporting you to let you have the time to yourself to study. Thank you for always saying that you would take time off to talk to me about whatever problems that I have. I know that you will do great! Good luck Allie and I love you!
Your thoughts are very insightful and beautifully written. I have always said that you have wisdom beyond your years and great talent in expressing yourself. I would have loved to send you a candy bouquet or some "cookies by design" to help you study, but I know that you and Steve are trying to eat healthy foods. I will just have to be content to tell you that I love you. You are mistaken if you think you don't do enough to show your love to your family. You are the one who sends us CDs of songs that you have downloaded for us, or pictures or books or magazine articles or coupons that you think we will like. You always have time to listen to Chelsee's heartaches or Geoffrey's symptoms. You know what to say, how to say it and when to do damage control. I think you are one of the most thoughtful people I know, and it is only to your credit that you think you should do more. None of us would complain that you are neglecting us. We feel guilty that we can't do more for you. So, the best of luck on your tests. I am confident that you will do well. It is not an accident that you are in medical school pulling A's and B's. Always to your little Momma, you are The Best One.
Allie, one thing that I really admire about you is that when you say you're gonna do something, you do it. If you make plans with someone, you follow through. Period. You've really been an inspiration to me because I struggle with things like that. And I think keeping your word to people like that helps us know that we're important to you. I'm proud of you, and I really look up to you. And I know that if I ever needed you that you would be there for me, regardless.
Katherine Blanchard wanted me to tell you hello and good luck on your test. She didn't know that you had gotten married.
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